MICHIGAN CITY – “The pain we feel now is the flip side of the love that was felt” for children that were lost too soon through miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death, Bishop Robert J. McClory acknowledged as he addressed families on May 5 at the annual Mass for Pregnancy and Infant Loss hosted by the Diocese of Gary at Queen of All Saints. “Strong emotions are an expression of love.”
Dozens of parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins gathered to honor their departed children through the solemn liturgy and a stirring ceremony that involved lighting a candle as the name of each child was read aloud by David Herr, diocesan Office of Worship assistant. At the end of the Mass, the bishop presented the lighted candles to the families.
“No one can know another person’s pain, especially that of a mother,” said Father Rick Holy, “because there is nothing like her love for her child. We hope this Mass helps give some closure to mothers, fathers and other family members, most of whom don’t have a funeral or recognition when they suffer their loss.
“We try to hold this Mass on Bereaved Mother’s Day, a week before the traditional Mother’s Day, because it gives us a chance for mothers who have lost a child to have their motherhood acknowledged in a special way,” Father Holy noted.
Father Holy said the diocese “tries to move the Mass around the diocese, since most of the families who attend will be from that parish or a neighboring parish. We want to welcome everyone.”
Bishop McClory said he recognized some families who have attended the memorial Masses throughout the diocese, and was also happy to see newcomers.
“This is my first memorial Mass,” said Cecilia Kajer, a Queen of All Saints parishioner from Michigan City. “I lost a grandson, Andrew, as an infant, and I came to honor him.”
The bishop also acknowledged that it can be heartbreaking for bereaved parents to hear people who don’t know their situation ask about their “three children,” for instance, when the parents lost one or more through miscarriage or infant death.
In his homily, he spoke of philosopher/author C.S. Lewis, who wrote about meeting his beloved wife, Joy, late in life and losing her to cancer only four years later in the book “A Grief Observed.” Trying to make sense of his grief, Lewis wrote: “The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That’s the deal.”
“You could say that the pain of losing a child is … an indication of the deep love we felt for this little one,” compared Bishop McClory. “We remember their identity, we remember their humanity, and we remember their eternal presence and soul.
“In today’s Gospel,” he noted, “Jesus told his disciples to ‘Love one another as I love you … so my joy may be in you and your love may be complete. Love one another as I love you.’ No one has greater love than this, to lay down his life for his friends.
“He tells us that we are the object of his love: ‘It was not you who chose me, but I who chose you,’ like the child in utero,” the bishop said. “We could say, Where is God in the pain I feel? But pause and look at the crucified Lord – the pain is felt in His love for us.”
Mary Wellinski, a LaPorte resident and member of Holy Family, read about love as a lector. “It was beautiful,” she said of attending her first Mass for Pregnancy and Infant Loss. “I always say that I have a child in heaven waiting for me.”
She and her husband Bob Wellinski, who was on retreat on May 5 as he prepares to be ordained a deacon on June 8, named their miscarried child Jamie. “He or she would turn 20 this June,” said the mother of three stepchildren and three biological children in addition to Jamie.
Joe Knowlton, a resident of Rolling Prairie and parishioner of St. Joseph church in Holy Family Parish, brought his family to remember three children lost by miscarriage. They were happy to receive three memorial candles from Bishop McClory, he said, and to honor the family members they mourn.
“I feel honored and blessed to be able to participate,” said John Wolsiefer, program director of Queen of All Saints Council 12951 of the Knights of Columbus, who lit the individual candles for the children being remembered with Bruce Garwood, Council 12951 Grand Knight. “I was thinking of two families I know who have lost children, one a member of our Council and the other my niece and nephew in Lafayette.”
The Mass for Pregnancy and Infant Loss is planned each year by Jill McNamara of Miscarried Mothers and Others, who provided certificates of remembrance for each child.
Caption: Bishop Robert J. McClory presents a candle in remembrance of her child to Chris Petro of Chesterton, a parishioner at St. Patrick, during the Mass for Pregnancy and Infant Loss on May 5 at Queen of All Saints in Michigan City. Petro lost Baby Petro through miscarriage, and joined dozens of other parents at the annual liturgy on Bereaved Mother's Day. (Marlene A. Zloza photo)