MERRILLVILLE – “There is no expiration date on grief.” This heart-aching statement by guest speaker Nick Schafer resonated with bereaved families present for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, a memorial service, held at Calumet Park Funeral Chapel. It was part of a worldwide event, “The Wave of Light,” a candlelight vigil observed on Oct. 15 during Respect Life Month that begins at 7 p.m. in every time zone.
“There are always those unexpected things that can bring [grief] back front and center,” Schafer continued. “A song on the radio, a date on the calendar, seeing a stranger pick up a child who’s the same age that your child should be, it can bring it all right back … We’re never going to forget our children. They’re a part of us.”
Schafer and his wife Kate, who also spoke, remembered and honored their fourth daughter, Anne Kateri Schafer, whom they lost through miscarriage at 19 weeks. For Kate Schafer, the experience of being in postpartum after labor and delivery held some consolation.
“It was very validating … I had just had my daughter; I just gave birth. She is not living, but I gave birth, and for me that was very powerful,” Kate explained, adding that even though her motherhood was forever changed those six years ago and is different-looking now, it wasn’t over and it isn’t nonexistent. “I am still Anne’s mother.”
The Schafers wanted everyone in the room to connect with the fact that they are all still parents to their heavenly children. They offered ideas on other ways to honor them, such as putting together a baby album, sharing their story and celebrating their memory with a special “gift” in the form of a Mass intention or purchased flower in the child’s name whether on the little one’s birthday or during the holiday season.
Kate Schafer also touched on the comforting, Catholic understanding that children who have died too soon in pregnancy, infancy and early childhood, some who may not have been able to be baptized, are in heaven.
“We trust in the mercy of God that even though our children were not baptized here on this earth, they are in the hands of the Lord,” she said.
Jill McNamara, founder of Miscarriage, Mothers & Others, the nonprofit organization that coordinated the ecumenical service, consoled parents by giving them peace of mind to freely express their grief.
“You don’t need to suppress your tears,” she said. “The death of your child is a tragedy of the most monumental proportions. People who haven’t experienced what you’ve experienced have no clue of the intense love you have for your child.”
McNamara read the names of 35 children, giving pause as a loved one or volunteer lit a votive candle for each one. The candles were blessed by Father Richard Holy, director of Pro-Life Activities for the Diocese of Gary.
“As we mourn the deaths of the precious little children we remember this evening, we rejoice in the gift of their lives, however brief those lives with us may have been. We place ourselves in the hands of God, who created each beautiful little one out of abundant love, and ask for strength, comfort, and healing,” Father Holy said. “Help us love you and serve you faithfully and carry our crosses of suffering and sorrow, knowing that the children of the losses we grieve are in the everlasting tender embrace of you, the Lord and Savior.”
Father Holy prayed and made the sign of the cross over the candles that they would serve as a reminder of the Lord as “our light in darkness, our protector in danger, our hope in sorrow.”
In addition to the candles, family members received a white rose – the symbol of purity, youthfulness and innocence – as a memorial keepsake. They were also offered a Certificate of Remembrance, a document that Father Holy signed, acknowledging the life of their child(ren).
One mother who lost her firstborn during childbirth 58 years ago found comfort in the evening’s candlelight service.
“Like the one gentleman said, it doesn’t have an expiration date,” said Loretta Burke of Our Lady of Grace in Highland. She indicated that she is not in mourning per se, but she thinks about her daughter, Eileen Marie, often.
“She’s my little angel in heaven, and she takes care of me and her brothers and sisters. This [vigil] brought back a lot for me,” Burke said through tears. “I can’t believe after all this time, I’m crying…You just don’t ever forget.”
Miscarriage, Mothers & Others supports parents through bereavement and provides resources and help with practical matters like burial arrangements. Often, a funeral home will bury an infant at no charge and provide a complementary floral arrangement for the casket. To be connected with the nonprofit, call 730-9199.
Caption: Guest speakers, Nick and Kate Schafer, offer encouraging words to bereaved parents gathered for the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day service on Oct. 15. Present with them is their eight-year-old daughter Mary as they light a candle for Anne Kateri Schafer, the daughter they lost through miscarriage at 19 weeks. (Angela Hughes photo)