CEDAR LAKE – “Marriage is more than a contract … marriage is a sacrament.”
Once Tom and Marcy Renken realized that statement, they told a Marriage Date Night dinner crowd on Sept. 13 at The Lighthouse, they were able to salvage their relationship and build a marriage they are proud to share with other couples.
“We were checking boxes, doing this and that, but I felt it was very empty,” Tom, a Lutheran from Colorado, said of his marriage to Marcy in the early 2000’s while the couple was living in Boston.
“I thought we had the perfect family,” countered Marcy, despite the fact that the couple struggled with a mortgage, was in the midst of extensive renovations to their fixer-upper and was raising their first child while Marcy was still in college. “Not only was he a good husband, but a great father, and at church he took care of (the baby) so I could continue playing trumpet at Mass.”
Marcy said she wanted to move back to her native Indiana to be closer to family and found Tom, a software engineer, a job in Indianapolis to help drive the move, but that didn’t solve their problems. “Our marriage was under attack, and when we learned suddenly that some childhood friends were divorcing, I began to think, ‘Could that happen to us?’”
Tom admitted his actions at the time “were aimed at getting my wife to leave me, because I didn’t want responsibility for leaving her. I was even dealing with suicidal thoughts.” Feeling distant from God and distant from his spouse, he added, he found inspiration from “The Discernment of Spirits,” a book by Father Timothy Gallagher, O.M.V.., which explained St. Ignatius Loyola’s Rules for Discernment.
Prompting the audience to list common problems that challenge marriages, couples offered technology, money, infertility, health, abuse, addiction, children and mental health as some of the issues.
“We have already been given sufficient grace to handle these situations (by God), but we have to use it,” Tom stressed. The couple agreed to attend a Worldwide Marriage Encounter weekend in 2020, aimed at strengthening good marriages, “and we discovered a process to assess our situation, be accepting and learn to accompany,” he added.
“We felt we had learned what it was really like to have God at the center of our lives,” Marcy said. “We had a newfound purpose for our marriage.”
Further, she said, “We had an idea for a day retreat for couples, and we took it to our pastor (Tom having converted to Catholicism), who told us to run with it. We started really tithing, began sponsoring couples and becoming more active in our parish; we hosted as many as 30 couples and their children in our home while our family grew from two children to six.”
The couple counseled their audience to assess their relationship by “taking the time to find out where you are,” possibly through Eucharistic adoration, a retreat or a day of reflection.
Secondly, Tom said, it is good for both people in a marriage to be at the same place spiritually, but that may take some work. “At the WME retreat, we shared our feelings and I realized that Marcy accepted me where I was and that God could love me more. It was my God moment,” he said.
Learning to accompany each other, Marcy explained, involves viewing your marriage “as a mission. You are on the same team. Your spouse is not the enemy. We challenge you today to see that. We are growing closer to God (and) to living in eternity with Him.”
“Our challenges are just another reason to use our gifts,” said Tom. “When your marriage is on fire, it will change the world.”
Sue and Bert Bell have been married for 43 years, yet the Lowell couple and longtime parishioners at St. Edward is still open to strengthening their partnership. “With God, you can overcome everything,” advised Sue Bell. “Put Him in control and keep His word.”
Vanessa and Ryan Lochow, of Schererville, attend St. James the Less in Highland and have been married just two years. “We very much enjoy attending Mass together, so this evening seemed right up our alley,” said Ryan.
“It struck me when (Marcy Renken) said that we are a team (in a marriage),” said Vanessa. “My husband tells me that all the time when we have disagreements, that we aren’t on different sides.”
Dina Barran, attending with Michael Barran, her husband of 30 years, agreed. “Being on the same page is important, and not giving in to societal pressures,” said the Munster resident and parishioner at St. Thomas More.
“Our kids are old enough to stay on their own for an evening, so we decided it was time to put more energy into our relationship,” said Catherine Arnold of she and her husband, Brandon Arnold, attending their first Marriage Date Night from Westville and as parishioners at Queen of All Saints in Michigan City. “We wanted to see where God was speaking to us.”
Caption: Sue and Bert Bell of Lowell, who have been married for 43 years, had a few tips on how to maintain a happy marriage for Vanessa and Ryan Lochow, of Schererville, who have been married two years, during the Diocese of Gary's Marriage Date Night on Sept. 13 at The Lighthouse in Cedar Lake. "With God you can overcome everything," said Sue Bell. (Marlene A. Zloza photo)