MERRILLVILLE – Families, some whose grief is fresh and others whose loved ones would now be adults, gathered Oct. 15 to remember children lost through miscarriage, stillbirth and infant death at the World Day of Remembrance Candlelight Vigil hosted by Miscarriage Mothers & Others at Calumet Park Funeral Chapel.
“I am a bereaved mother myself … and whether it is one year or four, five or nine years, which is how long ago I lost my daughter, Ann, to a miscarriage. We are all in that club we didn’t ask to join. I’m sorry you are in this club with me,” said Kate Schafer, who spoke about the special challenge of facing birthdays and holidays without the child families expected to share those days with.
“Each of the holidays can bring up the grief again,” Schafer said. “Your body knows and you feel anxious (as the day approaches). I’m already thinking of Ann’s upcoming birthday, and how old she would be. The complexity of the (Christmas) holidays is also difficult; you don’t want your other children to feel less celebrated.”
Schafer, a nurse, said she “always takes the day off” to mark Ann’s birthday “and protect myself. I can choose to do something to mark the day, or just stay in bed all day. I try to treat myself, and my husband and I do something together.
“He and I and our other children go to dinner, to the zoo, and we stop at the cemetery. Some years we go to Mass, and other years not.”
Schafer stressed that “whatever way you mark the day is the right thing to do – it may involve a present, some families have a cake and sing ‘Happy Birthday.’ Christmas is the most difficult holiday for some people. Grief is going to be there, you can’t avoid it.”
Jill McNamara, founder of Miscarriage Mothers & Others, echoed Schafer’s advice. “We are expected to be happy (during the holidays), but how can we be happy when we’ve just lost a child?” she said. “You might have to change your (holiday) traditions, temporarily or permanently. Instead of gathering around the big table, you could go to dinner at a buffet.
“We do have to remember our children who’ve lost their sibling,” she added. “We have had adult siblings come to our vigil in tribute, maybe after their mom died, remembering that she always remembered the child she lost.”
Each family attending the vigil was invited to come to the microphone to say their lost child’s name aloud and light a votive candle for them. They were also given a personalized Christmas tree ornament in the form of a tiny stocking holding a name tag identifying their child.
Breona Johnson, of Lansing, Ill., attended the vigil for the third time this year, remembering her son Jontae Jilland Mallett Jr., who died as an infant five years ago. “I appreciate any opportunity I can to celebrate my son; you don’t get things other parents get, ceremonies and graduations, so nights like this are the only way we can celebrate our children.
“This year he would have been in kindergarten, and I think of the milestones we missed,” Johnson said.
Ha Do Phan, of Valparaiso, lit a candle for his son, Emmanuel, lost through a miscarriage. “I didn’t think I’d be able to come, due to my work, and my wife and the rest of the family had already left, but I was able to join them, and I am so glad.
“I found a lot of enlightenment,” he admitted. “When other people open up, you get a different perspective.”
For more information about Miscarriage Mothers & Others and the services it provides, visit miscarriedbaby.com.
Caption: Sharon Staley, a member of Miscarriage Mothers & Others, of Crown Point, lights a candle for a friend’s child at the candlelight vigil hosted by the group on Oct. 15 at Calumet Park Funeral Chapel in Merrillville in honor of the World Day of Remembrance for children who died through miscarriage, stillbirth and as infants. The ceremony was repeated at 7 p.m. local time throughout the world as families gathered to mourn their lost members and celebrate their lives. (Marlene A. Zloza photo)
