MERRILLVILLE – One single word is the key to building a strong and lasting marriage, according to Deacon Matt Virus, and that word is “sacrifice.”
“A lot of things come so easily today – you don’t even have to go to the grocery story anymore – and that kind of convenience seeps into the psyche of young people,” Deacon Virus told a dozen Marriage and Family Life Ministry leaders from Diocese of Gary parishes at a meeting hosted by the Office of Missionary Discipleship and Evangelization on March 13.
Having life too easy as a youth – “Everybody got a trophy” – doesn’t translate to adulthood, he noted, sometimes leading to difficulties in marriages.
“Truly put yourself aside and think of your spouse first,” stressed the deacon from St. John Bosco in Hammond, who shared the presentation at the Pastoral Center with his wife, Milly Virus, who deals with broken marriages as the secretary for the diocesan Marriage Tribunal. “Those who do that are far better (in their marriages) statistically than those who don’t.”
The deacon pointed out that some young couples face serious marital troubles even when they disagree over such trivial matters as what color to paint their living room or what china pattern to select. “There will be far more serious disagreements along the way,” he said, suggesting that without making sacrifices, they won’t survive the serious issues.
“As a deacon, people come up to me and want to talk about a lot of things, but I can say most have to do with marriage problems,” said Deacon Virus. “One thing I recommend is the Relevant Radio show ‘Marriage Unhindered,’ which I listen to while driving home from work. It is very good.
“I always ask God to advise me when people come to me, because I never want the advice to come from me, but from God. I always try to find the root cause of the problem, and inevitably it comes down to one word – sacrifice.
“Look at your marriage together in a sacrificial way, the same way that Jesus is the bridegroom to his Church,” said the deacon. “Truly put yourself aside and think of your spouse first.”
In his own marriage, he noted, “I never have to ask for coffee when I come home, my wife has it ready, and dinner on the table, and when I see that she wants or needs something, I make sure she has it because I want to serve her. This is how we have to reach out to the younger generation and show them by example and have the courage to talk about it. It’s part of God’s creative plan.”
When Deacon Virus asked the ministry leaders in attendance what the mindset of engaged couples is when they counsel them, the answers varied from “the wedding day” to “just checking off the boxes.”
“Some are very serious about following the Church’s beliefs … and some behave as if they are single,” were other comments.
Even when talking to couples of his generation about marriage struggles, said Deacon Virus, who is 58, “I find they’ve lost the art of sacrificing for each other. They did it for a while, but stopped.
“One of the biggest reasons for divorce is adultery – the grass is always greener on the other side – but where in the Bible does it say, ‘Live the life you like and everything will be easy?’” he added. “Sacrifice is what is missing today; it was the sacrifice of our Lord and Savior, as he hung on the cross for our sins, that saved us.
“That is what we need; we sacrifice because we want what’s best for the other person, our spouse, and when we do, think about the blessings we receive – peace, tranquility and joy.”
Milly Virus agreed that adultery, as well as alcoholism and the lack of an openness to having children, are some of the most frequent reasons an annulment is sought. “We are looking, in the tribunal, at the eligibility at the time of marriage. If the marriage wasn’t valid, then an annulment can be granted.”
Deacon Virus urged Marriage and Family Life ministers to “Walk with your couples. Come in and fill out the annulment forms with them.”
Milly Virus noted that “some parishes have support groups for divorced people. Hands down, when people come to the tribunal, they feel like a failure, and then they have to relive the divorce, which brings all the pain up again. They look at the (annulment) process as very invasive, but even though we try to make it as painless as possible, it is a very hard thing to do.”
The tribunal is a ministry, added Deacon Virus, and “having the right people there is important. Marriage is a calling.”
Bert Bell, a marriage preparation minister at St. Edward in Lowell with his wife, Susan Bell, said some engaged couples “think Catholicism is a whole bunch of rules that keep them from doing what they want. We try a different approach by explaining that there are rules (about weddings and marriages) because Christ wants you to have not just a nice marriage, but an outstanding marriage. Like with a sport, you can fool around in the backyard with a soccer ball, but if you want to be good at it, you need to practice and have discipline.”
The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops has created the websites ForYourMarriage.org and PorTuMatrimonio.org with resources that uphold marriage as a lifelong union of one man and one woman.
Caption: Deacon Matt Virus addresses Marriage and Family Life ministers at a meeting hosted by the Diocese of Gary on March 13 at the Pastoral Center as he and his wife, Millie Virus (to his left), who works in the diocesan tribunal, talked about problems in marriages and how to strengthen couples. (Marlene A. Zloza photo)
